


inquiry

by vwmn



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Gen, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 10:36:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18602800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vwmn/pseuds/vwmn
Summary: “But that can’t be all you do,” Akari laughed, “what do you think about when you’re alone?”





	inquiry

Hikaru is staring at the ceiling. He catches himself zoning out whenever he is alone. It has become terrifying. _There is nothing in my head,_ the thought echoes. He imagines his head as some sort of bell, except not quite as decorated, or thought out. No one designed him, no one looked at him and thought of him as a lovely creation. And that thought - with no light to follow, throws his system into disarray, his mind is a shark tank and that thought is the last one standing. He realizes how ludicrous he is, to allow such a thought to integrate into his flesh, a thought no bigger than some bell tied to the neck of a stuffed animal in one of the hundreds of shops he has graced. It does. Of course it does, and every time it does it integrates into his body a little more as if ingested. Until he forces himself up from his seat, or bed, or floor, to sit in front of his goban and think about _anything else_. Usually go.

 _“But that can’t be all you do,”_ Akari laughed at their last encounter _, “what do you think about when you’re alone?”_

And Hikaru hates to disappoint, hates to float out of his body right in front of her in that crowd of happy people chatting and dining, but he did. He wanted to scream. He did not scream. He excused himself quickly, which would have left her confused and annoyed if they were younger, but she just smiled as if Hikaru couldn’t sense the concern in her eyes.

_What do you think about when you’re alone?_

He reasons himself through a variety of possibilities. Does studying go count as being alone? Go is sentient. Go moves him more than he can ever move Go. Go is the life he has received, it starves and it rests. It's plastic, all the time. No, studying go must not count as being alone, then.

Sometimes, he thinks of his family, but he leaves it at just that. The careful reminders set on his phone to visit his mother being the trigger. He has run out the door one too many times during dinner when his mother starts suggesting that he find a girlfriend. Get married. Have children. Buy a nice family home.

They of course, never talk about the outbursts or the discontent. Hikaru still arrives at his parents’ doorsteps on the prepared days. His mother still suggests that he should get married soon. He has learned, that simply notifying her that he has no intentions at this time, not to mention that it is none of her business, is a waste of the calories he needs to use to project his voice. Regardless, he tries to explain, he really does, but his words are a miscellany of excuses, half delirious thoughts that would be better unformed, and some kind of mantra. She cries. He leaves

He would rather avoid thinking about that.

 _“Hey Touya, what do you think about when you’re alone?”_ Touya finished the last of his soup before turning to Hikaru inquisitively.

_“It depends on the day, right?”_

_“Like what though?”_

_“Well for example, if I have to teach, then I’ll think about the student and how best I can help them improve. The laundry, what to have for dinner… Past games too, of course, I can’t stop analyzing them until I’m done analyzing them.”_

_“What else?”_ Hikaru urged, he thought about things like that too, but they can’t count. 

 _“It just wanders,”_ Touya looked confused, and the question hang until it became stale _._  Touya did eventually decide to supply a little more fuel, even if it was out of sympathy, _“if I water my plants, I’ll start thinking about how much water I drank today, which might remind me to purchase a new water bottle, things like that. It’s ceaseless.”_

_“Do you ever think about nothing?”_

_“It’s not possible to think about nothing.”_

_“No it is! Just completely blank, and then you realize you haven’t thought about anything.”_

_“That’s different, you’re still thinking if you’re aware of your surroundings, and aware of your life.”_

_“You’re missing the point!”_

_“Fine. If I’m really tired after a long flight for example, I would find myself peacefully embracing nothing.”_

_“What if you’re not tired and it’s just a regular day?”_

Touya thought for a moment.  _“Not that I can recall. I daydream though.”_

Hikaru kicks his feet up against the wall and lets them slide back down to the bed. Maybe he is always tired, somewhere.

He shifts his gaze from the ceiling to his feet, clad in red and white striped socks that are probably very old, and decides that it’s time to sleep, and let his future self deal with the rest.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm imagining they're 20 here


End file.
